Learning to Lean

Have you ever had a feeling that something was about to happen? Something that was out of your control-whether good or bad? Well, I've had that "feeling" for the past 6 months. Back in October, the Lord started speaking to my heart like He never had before. I've had many times in my life where the Lord has guided me -whether it was deciding on a college, dating, where to live, what the next step in ministry should be, etc ... and I have always felt the Lord's leading and His encouraging voice of "You are in my perfect will." I've also had times in my life where I was going through some hard times and the Holy Spirit would comfort me with words of strength and peace. But, never had I really heard the words that I've been hearing since October, they were, "Get ready, something is going to happen." During my devotions I would come across different verses and truths and I would feel as if the Lord literally telling me, "You are going to need this soon, make sure you get it now." I didn't tell anyone-not my husband, closest friends, parents-because it was almost like saying it out loud would make it even more real. But, I knew without a doubt the Lord was preparing my heart and life for something difficult-something that I could only get through with His help and strength. I would lay in bed at night or be thinking about it while driving down the road and go through all different scenarios-will my family get in a wreck, is something going to happen to Lily Kate, will be grandparents health begin to fail rapidly ... so many things would go through my mind. Not once, not one single time, did the word "cancer" come across my mind.



The week before Easter I was talking on the phone with my Mom as I do almost daily. She mentioned that she had found a lump in her breast and that she was going to call her doctor to schedule an appointment. When she first mentioned it, I became somewhat alarmed but dismissed the thought that it would be anything serious. She went to her OBGYN on Wednesday, April 27. She said there was defiantly something there and wanted to send her to another office to get a mammogram and ultrasound. She said the radiologist should be able to tell her if it was just a cyst and if she wasn't sure about it then she would schedule an appointment with a breast specialist. So, the next day Mom went to have a mammogram and ultrasound. She didn't get any feedback while at the doctor and soon after she left the appointment she received a call from a breast specialist office to schedule an appointment for the following Monday, May 2. My dad called that afternoon and I could tell he was concerned that they were sending her to another doctor. Later that day, when I sat down to do my devotions I became so overwhelmed with emotion ... it was in that moment that I heard that still, small voice I had been hearing over the past several months so clearly say to me, "This is it - this is what I've been preparing you for." We don't have anyone in our family who has ever faced cancer and it was an unknown path for us to even think about being on, but I knew that whatever the outcome the Lord was going to be faithful and give us the strength and peace that only He could give.



When Mom went to the doctor on May 2, she got a biopsy and we were told that she would find out the results on Thursday, May 5. Already, this had been a very emotional process-the wait and uncertainty of what was going on. But, it was also an emotional time because my brother, Josh, was graduating from college on May 6. Josh is getting married this summer and his fiancee was graduating the same day. She is from California so we have not been able to meet her family yet. So, the weekend after graduation we were meeting her family, having a big graduation party on Saturday, and oh-it was Mother's Day! So ... needless to say the days between May 2 and May 5 were some very emotional days. But, the truths of God's Word and His peace and comfort are what helped us bear them.

May 5th came ...I had been anxious all day to get the phone call from Dad. When my phone rang and I answered, there was just silence on the other end - in that moment I knew. Once Dad could get his composure, I heard those words that the Lord wanted my heart ready for, "Lauren, it's cancer." I just talked to Dad a couple of minutes and then told him I would talk to him later - I knew we both needed some time to gain some strength. I hung up the phone, sat on my bed and cried ... and cried and cried and cried. Not because I didn't have the Lord's strength, not because I didn't have His peace, not because I didn't know that the Lord could heal my Mom, but because it hurt. It hurt so, so bad. I told Stephen the week before that I knew the Lord had prepared me to get through whatever Mom was going to face, but I knew it was going to still hurt. And it has!

Philippians 4:6-8 were some of the verses that I have continually meditated on.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethern, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."
First of all, I had to be reminded that I didn't need to worry about my Mom's health but be in constant prayer, thanking the Lord for the strength He gives. I also needed to make sure that I wasn't focusing on the "bad news." The devil can tempt us to constantly focus on the bad in our lives and if we are so focused on the bad, then how can the Lord give us the peace that He wants to? That's where verse 8 comes in ... what was I spending all of my time thinking about?? I had so, so many things to be thinking about besides my Mom's health. The fact that first of all, I am SO blessed to know Jesus as my Savior because there are so many people who aren't saved and don't have the hope that my family does. I don't know how people who aren't saved go through hard times. Secondly, I am SO blessed to have such a wonderful Mom ... she is an encourager, provider, and best friend to me and I couldn't be more thankful for the woman she is. Third, I knew that my family would have so many people all over the country praying for my Mom ... James 5:16b "The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." Of course, I could list so, so many more things to be thankful for ... the Lord IS so good to me. Better than I ever deserve and one thing that I keep on telling myself in this situation is that I am not a victim ... my Mom is not a victim. The Lord knew before the world began what we were going to face. There are so many people who have had tragedies much worse than this come in their lives and I don't ever want to forget that.

Mom found out today that the cancer has not spread to her lymph nodes or anywhere else. What a praise item!!! She will have to do 6 treatments of chemo, 3 weeks apart beginning in June. After that, she will have surgery. She will have to be on a couple of different medications for a year but her doctor seems very optimistic about the plan laid out. My brother is getting married July 7 in California and we are going to be out there for a week or so vacationing. I know that Mom is really hoping to feel good for the wedding and be able to enjoy it. I know that this is going to be an emotional road but I am so glad that I have the Lord on my side! One truth that He reminded me of just a couple of weeks before we found out anything is the truth from I Peter 1:6-7. "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." There is something that is more precious than gold and that is the Lord's process to make me more like Him! Ultimately my life is for His glory.

The encouragement and prayers we have received from our friends and family has been so overwhelming. I am so blessed with a wonderful support group that I know is going to help our family get through some hard days. There are so many things the Lord has been teaching me and showing me and I hope to be able to blog about them more often. I want to remember all the Lord is doing in my life right and I pray that it will help encourage others as well!!

Psalm 3:3 "But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head."

Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."

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